did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
