she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
