I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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