Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
The best revenge is premature balding
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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