I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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