I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
