don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
