I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
