yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
