if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize