My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
