You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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