Ambien. No doubt about it.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
