Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
