So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
