can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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