I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
