when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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