Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Randomize
