Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
