sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
