Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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