I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
