Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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