i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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