dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
