I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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