I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
