I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize