I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
