i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
