The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
