I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
