I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
