Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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