U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
