I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
