Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Randomize
