I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
