ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
