Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
