these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize