When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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