Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
