I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
