I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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