I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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