Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
