My sheets look like a crime scene.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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