i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
