He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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