All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
