I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
