He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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