OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
