you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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