come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
