You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
