have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
