I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize