Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
