And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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