I think I just saw someone hide a body.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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